fat thighs to away message stalkers

After annhilating 57% of the relevent brain cells in my head Friday night, the appeal of drinking was lessened for Saturday. And I was offered a free ticket to RDG so I saddle up and go to cheer on my old pal Marty (who killed it, but that's not the story). The real story actually comes from the last RDG, and being at good ol' wilson high school I was reminded of that fateful day. It was one of those days that every binge drinker knows about, the kind of day which screams "what is my drinking limit" and "can I go farther?" The day began early with a champagne brunch this was supposedly a date function and due to laziness and my aversion to sharing alchohol, my date came in a stunning green bottle with the words extra dry printed right across her front. After taking a look at the food and settling on what I thought looked the most appetizing and realizing that too was utter crap, I concentrate on going all the way with my date and after several passionate kisses the bottle was emptied thus I was drunk by noon. This evolved to midafternoon barhopping and finally games of beer pong, it was at about this time I was asked if I wanted to go to RDG, and not one to turn down any adventure when I can hardly stand I accept full heartedly.

I end up traveling with Marty's friends from p-town, who on the previous night I almost got them into a fight with a phi delt who pulled a bat out of his truck to beat us, I mean one ill timed "fuck off" had huge repercussions, but since I am me I was able to successfully talk us out of a fight, after talking us into one. Anyways they had started drinking seven hours after me and thus were a tad more coherrent, they also brought camelbaks filled with liquor, a brilliant idea.

My goal for the night: not look like a pussy
my success rate: slim to none

After drinking more of the liquor outside the school peeing on the library door and altogether acting like drunk asses we enter the theatre, this is where things get sketchy. I feel at that point I could have lost all brain function and slipped into an alchohol induced coma. The first act is a blur I yell and whoop and altogether be a good audience member then intermission comes. All the guys are going to drink more I am feeling a little better so I go with them, me and my good ideas. We come back and things are not looking good I realize I am going down faster than a slut in a whore house, the first dance is painful, but luckily for me a dark room with music is the ideal recipe for a nap. So mid second dance I'm gonzoed, and full on pass out in the theatre of RDG. I have no idea how many dances I missed or what happened but eventually Marty's friend closest to me doesn't see the brillance of taking a mid show breather, shakes me up. I realize I passed out, I fight the urge to pass out again. Then the real problem starts to happen I AM GOING TO PUKE! this is a bad realization to have in the middle of a crowded theatre surrounded by peers and parents. But as an experienced drinker I drunkenly decide to fight it. The first few waves I handle admirably holding back the violent spams that want to ruin the concert. Then it happens about two table spoons of alchoholic vomit grace my mouth with its presence, I panic and swallow it back into my stomach. Up to this point I was unaware that you could accomplish this feat, I honestly believe that the shock of reconsuming my regurgitation, actually stopped me from letting the rest of it go, disaster was averted. Needless to say I do not remember an instant of any of the dances in the second act.

Now this 2005 RDG made me realize a few things:
1) The saddest thing in the world is when a formerly cute girl gets fat, I mean shit how do you dance for a whole god damned semester, hell even a whole year and still pack on the pudding like winter is coming and they need to survive off their fat while hibernating.
2) Fat thighs aren't now, nor will they ever be attractive. And for the love of all that is holy should never be attempted to contained in shorts. Some of the girls there could legally classify as crimes against humanity.
3) The girl in the front right (from an audience perspective mind you) was bangin' and if anyone knows who she is introduce me so I can make her fall in love with the awesomeness that is me.
4) RDG=not as fun sober
5) congradulations girls you've all been objectified
6) That as soon as we left I'd need beer and fast.

After a while of drinking games at 13th I ran out of beer but I had two left at snu so I head there, my timing could not have been better I had missed the whole aphi but I did get to say "the only good thing to come out of the 80s was me" a cliched classic. Overall it was a good thing I didn't go cause I would have hurt some self esteem, by recycling the "not attracted to white trash girls" from last week, and modifying it to "It wasn't hot in the 80s and it isn't hot on you." I'm sure I saved some bolemia cases. There were limited people their but I made the best of it and people watched, the main show was a guy putting on a clinic of how not to hit on a girl for an hour and half. Then out of nowhere I was swirled up into a lecture tornado by a girl who only knows my through away messages and blogs, and thought she could tell me a few things about my life my direction and my general approach to living, and since you'll read this, any time you want to get drunk and talk about me, I love me and will discuss me all night, actually that goes for anyone if its about me I'm interested. Basically Saturday was boring and I'm tired so until we meet again. Laugh at a fat or stupid person tomorrow you'll feel better nothing validates self esteem like the hardships of others.