Whistler baby, Whistler
So, I haven't posted for a while with good reason, I was dodging the draft. To be on the safe side some of us frat guys decided to invade another country mainly Canada due to it's close proximity and acceptance of drunk Americans money. To completely encompass 48 hours worth of drinking, I've decided to split the weekend into smaller stories under their own heading. This makes it easier for those who accompanied to read only those the weren't involved in or the the ones they want to relive. If stories of drunken assholes aren't your thing I recommend avoiding all my Friday stories but since I most likely am a friend of yours, you probably have dickish tendencies as well, so enjoy matty j's Whistler saga: how did I not Blackout.
Friday
THE OMEN
On the approach to the Canadian border, the members of our car noticed an odd sight in the lane to our right a car was surrounded by several police, unfortunately for the story the were not members of the Mounties, just your regular border security. A man stepped out of the car, he looked about 40 and the had him breath into a breathalyzer. The exact second the breathalyzer registered was the exact moment the man was being forced against the side of his car and into handcuffs. The initial intention of the guards was to get the man in the front seat to drive, but if you know anything about drunk drivers you know that if the driver is drunk the passenger is hammered. Which the passenger proved admirably by stumbling out of the car in an open Hawaiian shirt and pulling off the confused look with such a vengeance that you almost had to feel sorry for the interrogation he was about to go through. This encounter was to prove an example of the whole weekend we'd be near drunken trouble but somehow we'd pass it in the other lane.
THE DEATH OF THE ROOMMATES
Drew and I took our places in the hotel room and settle in at about 8 o'clock expecting the rest of the room to show up right behind us. Its at this point we start drinking, an hour and a drink pass, still no Seth Kyle or Joe. Being the courteous roommates we pour another drink and continue the wait. Worry starts to set in at about 10 we decide to get a hold of them somehow but take into account we were drinking in a foreign country everything went wring, Drew couldn't figure out his cell phone and no one was answering in the car, we become more and more sure they are dead. At 10:30 and drunk we decide if they are not there by 11 they are dead and we should go to bars and inform the next of kin in the morning. Ah the compassion of the drunk. Luckily for them but crowded for us they show up at exactly 10:58 and begin trying to catch up with us. Well this story is not that entertaining is does explain why I decided to piss off whistler...
THE WAKE OF DESTRUCTION
The words of the day for me were definitely "You aren't hot enough to talk to" sometimes varied to "You aren't attractive enough to talk to." Why? Well I blame the captain his pirate morals invaded my system. The first incarnation of this came as I was walking to the bathroom, and this one was harsh, I stopped looked the girl up and down then spit out that she wasn't hot enough, I didn't see the anger fully envelop her but Drew as my drunken but reliable source verifies how pissed she was. Eventually we left that bar and somewhere in my subconscious I decide I got off easy with the last one I mean I almost made a girl cry and went unpunished. This was to be corrected.
To correct an assumption Whistler is not filled with the happy go lucky drunks as it is said to be, and since we as a country have made it our job to piss off the world being American is a sin in itself. I being the capitalist asshole helped the cause. Walking through the streets of whistler an innocuous looking couple were approaching, girl on guys shoulders. This should have been enough to classify as the alpha male aggressive personality but in the state of invincible inebriation I didn't care. The girl on his shoulder decided to be friendly and said "hi" but she hit me at the wrong time I hit her back with a "you're not hot enough to talk to" the next thing I know I am being headlocked by a Canadian and my head is being forced into a counter at a pretty good speed, meanwhile I find this whole situation funny so I escalate the situation by laughing my head off. He starts in with tough guy talk, "What are you thinking?" "You trying to start something?" The biggest comedy of the whole ordeal is his girl looking at him and saying "what are you doing?" this makes me laugh harder, finally he backs down his statements to "apologize" and since head against a counter is not the most comfortable as it sounds I gladly let out a "I'm sorry" and the incident is assuaged.
THE BIG REGRET
Later on in the night we go to our hotel room but I'm still feeling antsy, I decide to recruit trouble makers and head back out to the night. I find Jonesy and Drew both are up to be willing participants, so I head out assuming they are behind me but turns out they were drunk and didn't get the leaving memo. So I wander out alone and run into a bunch of people in our group coming back among this group is Starr's girl, who laments about having lost Starr I consider finding him an ideal waste of time so the two of us head out onto the streets of Whistler. The search wasn't nearly as long as it could have been we find him talking to lesbians who he claims he was asking directions, but I clearly remember hearing something about them making out, oh well whatever keeps him out of trouble with his girly. Anyway Starr's girl immediately starts talking to him so I use the opportunity to talk to the cuter one of the lesbians the other one walks off to talk to some other guys that were sitting near by but before she could reach them asshole gear kicks in again and I piss her off and the bullish dyke whips around and starts chewing me out. The worst part of all this is I have no idea what I said no recollection at all even that 20 seconds later. I have no problem with pissing people off but if I can't remember how I pissed them off that's a personal pet peeve. All the clatter attracts Starr back who keeps saying "what did you say, what did you say?" and since I don't know all I can say is "don't worry about it, let's go" so mid tirade I walk off with Starr and his girl, everything together again.
Saturday
SHORT LIVED PUBBIN'
This story ends with me getting asked to leave a bar. But it was nothing I did it was all guilt by association. We all started out drinking early Saturday but due to a crippling hangover from the previous night I did not rush into it with the usual vigor. But counter to this Kyle was going for broke. We headed out to the Irish pub and Kyle at this point is shitty and keeps telling me "I hope you act like you did last night so I can have an excuse to hit you" which granted I did deserve. After annoying the waitress Kyle and drew disappear I think nothing of it and hang out in the back but eventually curiosity takes over and I head to find them. I find them sitting in fron t of the guitarist and Kyle is running his mouth at him, encouraged by Drew. In less then five minutes the guitarist had told the waitress and I quote "These guys are pissing me off." So with out even opening my mouth I was asked to leave, stupid friends. Here are the highlight quotes:
directed at the violinist
Kyle: "Hey jew fro go solo"
Kyle: "Free bird play Free bird"
Guitarist: "Even if I knew it I wouldn't play it"
Kyle: "Of course, It's more than 3 chords you wouldn't know it"
The post script to this story is Kyle ended up going back into the bar and hung out for a couple hours before getting kicked out again, but the second Drew tried to enter he was kicked out again. So the two uninvolved peoplweren't allowed in but the trouble maker well they'll take more of his money.
WHORISH BRIDES
After getting kicked out of the Irish pub we walked over to the Longhorn Kyle Drew and I, but Kyle was in "that" mode and starts antagonizing the Bouncer straight out, so needless to say he wasn't let in, and since Kyle had already got us kicked out of one bar we decide abandonong him is fair game. So Drew and I are sitting around spliting a pitcher, and at this point Seth has joinned us, and out of nowhere a chick sits down at our table, she is wearing a veil and informs us that she is getting married soon. Then begins to tell us she is going around kissing people tonight. Seth points me out and Says " He needs a kiss" she then promptly turns around and kisses me on the lips. I'm rather in shock at this whole process, I'd never been kissed by an engaged person, but I was flattered. Within the next twenty minutes she'd kissed me again went and danced with drew to free bird and also kissed him, yeah that marriage i going to last.
RANDOM QUOTES
(talking to Random canadian girls on the street)
Kyle: "We're just dumb Americans"
Girl: "Are there any other types?"
(Me on Seth's Rapping style)
matty: "He thinks he's the next biggie but he's just fat"
(When Drew and I form our boy band our hit song will be)
"don't check-raise my heart"
Friday
THE OMEN
On the approach to the Canadian border, the members of our car noticed an odd sight in the lane to our right a car was surrounded by several police, unfortunately for the story the were not members of the Mounties, just your regular border security. A man stepped out of the car, he looked about 40 and the had him breath into a breathalyzer. The exact second the breathalyzer registered was the exact moment the man was being forced against the side of his car and into handcuffs. The initial intention of the guards was to get the man in the front seat to drive, but if you know anything about drunk drivers you know that if the driver is drunk the passenger is hammered. Which the passenger proved admirably by stumbling out of the car in an open Hawaiian shirt and pulling off the confused look with such a vengeance that you almost had to feel sorry for the interrogation he was about to go through. This encounter was to prove an example of the whole weekend we'd be near drunken trouble but somehow we'd pass it in the other lane.
THE DEATH OF THE ROOMMATES
Drew and I took our places in the hotel room and settle in at about 8 o'clock expecting the rest of the room to show up right behind us. Its at this point we start drinking, an hour and a drink pass, still no Seth Kyle or Joe. Being the courteous roommates we pour another drink and continue the wait. Worry starts to set in at about 10 we decide to get a hold of them somehow but take into account we were drinking in a foreign country everything went wring, Drew couldn't figure out his cell phone and no one was answering in the car, we become more and more sure they are dead. At 10:30 and drunk we decide if they are not there by 11 they are dead and we should go to bars and inform the next of kin in the morning. Ah the compassion of the drunk. Luckily for them but crowded for us they show up at exactly 10:58 and begin trying to catch up with us. Well this story is not that entertaining is does explain why I decided to piss off whistler...
THE WAKE OF DESTRUCTION
The words of the day for me were definitely "You aren't hot enough to talk to" sometimes varied to "You aren't attractive enough to talk to." Why? Well I blame the captain his pirate morals invaded my system. The first incarnation of this came as I was walking to the bathroom, and this one was harsh, I stopped looked the girl up and down then spit out that she wasn't hot enough, I didn't see the anger fully envelop her but Drew as my drunken but reliable source verifies how pissed she was. Eventually we left that bar and somewhere in my subconscious I decide I got off easy with the last one I mean I almost made a girl cry and went unpunished. This was to be corrected.
To correct an assumption Whistler is not filled with the happy go lucky drunks as it is said to be, and since we as a country have made it our job to piss off the world being American is a sin in itself. I being the capitalist asshole helped the cause. Walking through the streets of whistler an innocuous looking couple were approaching, girl on guys shoulders. This should have been enough to classify as the alpha male aggressive personality but in the state of invincible inebriation I didn't care. The girl on his shoulder decided to be friendly and said "hi" but she hit me at the wrong time I hit her back with a "you're not hot enough to talk to" the next thing I know I am being headlocked by a Canadian and my head is being forced into a counter at a pretty good speed, meanwhile I find this whole situation funny so I escalate the situation by laughing my head off. He starts in with tough guy talk, "What are you thinking?" "You trying to start something?" The biggest comedy of the whole ordeal is his girl looking at him and saying "what are you doing?" this makes me laugh harder, finally he backs down his statements to "apologize" and since head against a counter is not the most comfortable as it sounds I gladly let out a "I'm sorry" and the incident is assuaged.
THE BIG REGRET
Later on in the night we go to our hotel room but I'm still feeling antsy, I decide to recruit trouble makers and head back out to the night. I find Jonesy and Drew both are up to be willing participants, so I head out assuming they are behind me but turns out they were drunk and didn't get the leaving memo. So I wander out alone and run into a bunch of people in our group coming back among this group is Starr's girl, who laments about having lost Starr I consider finding him an ideal waste of time so the two of us head out onto the streets of Whistler. The search wasn't nearly as long as it could have been we find him talking to lesbians who he claims he was asking directions, but I clearly remember hearing something about them making out, oh well whatever keeps him out of trouble with his girly. Anyway Starr's girl immediately starts talking to him so I use the opportunity to talk to the cuter one of the lesbians the other one walks off to talk to some other guys that were sitting near by but before she could reach them asshole gear kicks in again and I piss her off and the bullish dyke whips around and starts chewing me out. The worst part of all this is I have no idea what I said no recollection at all even that 20 seconds later. I have no problem with pissing people off but if I can't remember how I pissed them off that's a personal pet peeve. All the clatter attracts Starr back who keeps saying "what did you say, what did you say?" and since I don't know all I can say is "don't worry about it, let's go" so mid tirade I walk off with Starr and his girl, everything together again.
Saturday
SHORT LIVED PUBBIN'
This story ends with me getting asked to leave a bar. But it was nothing I did it was all guilt by association. We all started out drinking early Saturday but due to a crippling hangover from the previous night I did not rush into it with the usual vigor. But counter to this Kyle was going for broke. We headed out to the Irish pub and Kyle at this point is shitty and keeps telling me "I hope you act like you did last night so I can have an excuse to hit you" which granted I did deserve. After annoying the waitress Kyle and drew disappear I think nothing of it and hang out in the back but eventually curiosity takes over and I head to find them. I find them sitting in fron t of the guitarist and Kyle is running his mouth at him, encouraged by Drew. In less then five minutes the guitarist had told the waitress and I quote "These guys are pissing me off." So with out even opening my mouth I was asked to leave, stupid friends. Here are the highlight quotes:
directed at the violinist
Kyle: "Hey jew fro go solo"
Kyle: "Free bird play Free bird"
Guitarist: "Even if I knew it I wouldn't play it"
Kyle: "Of course, It's more than 3 chords you wouldn't know it"
The post script to this story is Kyle ended up going back into the bar and hung out for a couple hours before getting kicked out again, but the second Drew tried to enter he was kicked out again. So the two uninvolved peoplweren't allowed in but the trouble maker well they'll take more of his money.
WHORISH BRIDES
After getting kicked out of the Irish pub we walked over to the Longhorn Kyle Drew and I, but Kyle was in "that" mode and starts antagonizing the Bouncer straight out, so needless to say he wasn't let in, and since Kyle had already got us kicked out of one bar we decide abandonong him is fair game. So Drew and I are sitting around spliting a pitcher, and at this point Seth has joinned us, and out of nowhere a chick sits down at our table, she is wearing a veil and informs us that she is getting married soon. Then begins to tell us she is going around kissing people tonight. Seth points me out and Says " He needs a kiss" she then promptly turns around and kisses me on the lips. I'm rather in shock at this whole process, I'd never been kissed by an engaged person, but I was flattered. Within the next twenty minutes she'd kissed me again went and danced with drew to free bird and also kissed him, yeah that marriage i going to last.
RANDOM QUOTES
(talking to Random canadian girls on the street)
Kyle: "We're just dumb Americans"
Girl: "Are there any other types?"
(Me on Seth's Rapping style)
matty: "He thinks he's the next biggie but he's just fat"
(When Drew and I form our boy band our hit song will be)
"don't check-raise my heart"
posted by matty at 6:33 PM
1 Comments:
how could there not be a comment on this? Fucking great weekend. you forgot to mention when you wore a bra and had everybody in the room attempt to remove it with one hand
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