The experiment that is my life
Since this is the first of this type I am going to give you some general guidelines which I follow to insure accuracy in my reporting:
1) to protect the innocent, girls are mostly going to get refered to as bitch or another aptly earned nickname
2)Guys names may appear if they have clever comments or their personality is relevant to the story
3) As a pledge to myself I will never write about a time I blacked out unless my performacne was confirmed by at least four reliable witnesses, and possibly a camera
5) there is no four
6) I will addendum foot notes that will eluminate or bore you
7) so these are the drunken stories of matty j volume #1
Saturday night is the night for fighting and I was geared up for it. Here at snu we had an unofficial white trash party, I would like to put in at this point that I looked remarkably dashing in a flannel shirt. That aside I get dressed late with the intention of being fashionably late but that fails miserably when there are absoluty no girls downstairs yet, I'm sober, and I'm dressed like white trash. This type of situations requires one solution, the type where you drink until things get interesting. Amidst first beer, I need a drinking game, which quickly evolved into a game of two person ride the bus (1) and a three person game of fuck the dealer (2). Besides drinking two other occurences of interest happened during those games the first was a bet that I would do better on Friday's econ test than JB for a whole dollar ( who says you need a job just gamble on test scores) and the second was, fuck the dealer turned nasty rotten whore on me, I mean Rice guessed a three and I had a two in hand that shouldn't happen statisticly. I start to get tipsy after almost puking on everyone cause I have the stomach of a chickadee the just finished a steak. Luckily I don't puke I fight it off but the look of concern on the girl accross the table (nice rack, weird face) made the whole situation more and more amusing I almost wanted to puke so she'd have her show. Finally drinking games dissolve, and where do I head? Obviously the bar more beer seems to be the answer for the night. At this point girls start showing up and I realize I am not attracted to white trash girls and Former Fuck Buddy is here, it has now reached the potential to be awkward. I drink on.
At the card table a bitch (heretoafter refered to as Agresso) at the table starts eyeing me, she's an 8 to 12 beers type of girl (3). But whatever skills get rusty if you don't use them so I go into flirty mode. She called me old I mean really that's low I corrected her that the proper nomenclature is "experienced" I mean the girl needs to learn her PC. At this point the Angel on my shoulder staggers drunkenly back to his side after drinking with the devil, and the desicion is made, I need a brutal drinking game that will either disinterest or knock out Agresso, luckily I know just the game, Connections (4), it's boring and everyone drinks heavily. It's perfect, but as they say the best laid plans tend to go awry.
Two innocuous looking g-phis join our table they have no idea what they are getting into, I could have been a gentleman and warned them but hey I hate to admit it but suffering is one of the funnier forms of comedy. By the time the game has reached it's conclusion I see actual death threats in their eyes, well not really but let just say the look wasn't "hey happy to be here." Turns out the connections game backfired on me all it did was turn Agresso into extreme pursuit mode. At this point I couldn't care less my new game is agrevate Agresso. What made it even better was the fact I had an audience both JB and little Chalfont are on either side of me and she is at an angle, the perfect place to start my attack. She opens with a gutsy move attacking my reputation, but if you are reading this you probably know me and if you know me you realize I could give a flying fuck about my reputation. But since I have hit brilliant mode (5) I play along. I'm not sure if I invented this style of flirting or not but it works surpringly well, I call it Anti-cocky ( this is not footnoted due to it's integral nature to the story), what it consists of is putting the cockiest tone in your voice but say things that an emotional bag of mush would say, girls are suckers for the mixed messages. After the attack on my reputation to which I made the appropriate "oh no not that" type of statement but this was just the beggining she moved on to the "You think you know exactly what will make a girl want you," in my head I'm thinking "I haven't even done anything yet and if I asked you upstairs you'd be on my dick before i could get it out", but out loud I say, "I just say what I want to say", I love my own hypocrisy. This eventually leads down the road to the eventual "you're an asshole" If I had feelings that might have struck a nerve but as such I've come to terms with my assholeishness and at times like, well, that moment I relished that inner asshole. At the point where I was really getting bored with the whole scenario, (her circular brain patterns led her right back to the reputation issue, originality, not really her strong suit) I was saved by Tall who asked me to take his place behind the bar.
I jumped on the problem like a fat camp member jumps on a jelly donut, but soon realized although surrounded by liquor I wasn't getting in enough drinking. As per usual I decided on toasts, Rastko was also assiting in the bar tending process and thus became the toastee?? anyway we toasted here are the classics:
Rastko: "Blow jobs over sex"
Me: "Not menstrating"
Rastko: "Fat chicks leaving"
Me: "aggressive ugly sluts that have been helping homely guys get laid since veitnam"
For the record there was three fat bitches on the stools in front of us that were rather annoying. At this point I go on a cigarette binge (6) and laugh at people waiting in line for chi. Then the rest of the night is spent alternatly avoiding Former Fuck Buddy and Agresso occasionally by pawning them off on each other, ( A more sober matty should have realized that two girls chasing him should be a good thing and may have worked out into something magical, cause well two 5's equal a 10), Spitting half ass game at freshmen chicks (why not they're there), for about ten minutes I wandered with a handle and a beer and considered monarch rum a legitimate product, and finally capped the evening off with a smoke session in the third floor bathroom cause the chill room was locked and my roomie had gone to bed, these are the prices of being a rock star, and when that glorious THC hit the system and screamed out bed time I answered with a vengance and found the empty bed most satisfactory.
(1) Red-black/ high-low/ in between or outside/ suit, give drinks accordingly, then line up the cards in the ceter with in two columns right is give left is take if you have it heed the rule of the column drink numbers grow as the cards are turned.
(2) http://www.brewthis.com/Games/37621.html
(3) official scale of attractiveness:
1 to 3 beers - will tell everyone you slept with her, absolutly no regrets in the morning.
4 to 7 beers - will tell close friends you slept with her and hope she never clicks on relationship mode
8 to 12 beers - will tell no one about any act you had with her, if you get caught with her you deny everything or claim desperation
13 on up - Was that a women?
(4) basically if your card connects in suit or number to the person next to you you drink the number on the card (not the official rules but the rules I implicated for the sake of simplicity.)
(5) My favorite drunk mode in which I am verbally invincible, best for flirting, debating or shit talking
(6) Friday night I got it in my head I needed cigarettes so at some time between 1 and 3 AM I walked my jacketless ass to 7-11 to get cigarettes and since I am a binge smoker I wanted to get them all finished thus reducing future smoking opportunities.
1) to protect the innocent, girls are mostly going to get refered to as bitch or another aptly earned nickname
2)Guys names may appear if they have clever comments or their personality is relevant to the story
3) As a pledge to myself I will never write about a time I blacked out unless my performacne was confirmed by at least four reliable witnesses, and possibly a camera
5) there is no four
6) I will addendum foot notes that will eluminate or bore you
7) so these are the drunken stories of matty j volume #1
Saturday night is the night for fighting and I was geared up for it. Here at snu we had an unofficial white trash party, I would like to put in at this point that I looked remarkably dashing in a flannel shirt. That aside I get dressed late with the intention of being fashionably late but that fails miserably when there are absoluty no girls downstairs yet, I'm sober, and I'm dressed like white trash. This type of situations requires one solution, the type where you drink until things get interesting. Amidst first beer, I need a drinking game, which quickly evolved into a game of two person ride the bus (1) and a three person game of fuck the dealer (2). Besides drinking two other occurences of interest happened during those games the first was a bet that I would do better on Friday's econ test than JB for a whole dollar ( who says you need a job just gamble on test scores) and the second was, fuck the dealer turned nasty rotten whore on me, I mean Rice guessed a three and I had a two in hand that shouldn't happen statisticly. I start to get tipsy after almost puking on everyone cause I have the stomach of a chickadee the just finished a steak. Luckily I don't puke I fight it off but the look of concern on the girl accross the table (nice rack, weird face) made the whole situation more and more amusing I almost wanted to puke so she'd have her show. Finally drinking games dissolve, and where do I head? Obviously the bar more beer seems to be the answer for the night. At this point girls start showing up and I realize I am not attracted to white trash girls and Former Fuck Buddy is here, it has now reached the potential to be awkward. I drink on.
At the card table a bitch (heretoafter refered to as Agresso) at the table starts eyeing me, she's an 8 to 12 beers type of girl (3). But whatever skills get rusty if you don't use them so I go into flirty mode. She called me old I mean really that's low I corrected her that the proper nomenclature is "experienced" I mean the girl needs to learn her PC. At this point the Angel on my shoulder staggers drunkenly back to his side after drinking with the devil, and the desicion is made, I need a brutal drinking game that will either disinterest or knock out Agresso, luckily I know just the game, Connections (4), it's boring and everyone drinks heavily. It's perfect, but as they say the best laid plans tend to go awry.
Two innocuous looking g-phis join our table they have no idea what they are getting into, I could have been a gentleman and warned them but hey I hate to admit it but suffering is one of the funnier forms of comedy. By the time the game has reached it's conclusion I see actual death threats in their eyes, well not really but let just say the look wasn't "hey happy to be here." Turns out the connections game backfired on me all it did was turn Agresso into extreme pursuit mode. At this point I couldn't care less my new game is agrevate Agresso. What made it even better was the fact I had an audience both JB and little Chalfont are on either side of me and she is at an angle, the perfect place to start my attack. She opens with a gutsy move attacking my reputation, but if you are reading this you probably know me and if you know me you realize I could give a flying fuck about my reputation. But since I have hit brilliant mode (5) I play along. I'm not sure if I invented this style of flirting or not but it works surpringly well, I call it Anti-cocky ( this is not footnoted due to it's integral nature to the story), what it consists of is putting the cockiest tone in your voice but say things that an emotional bag of mush would say, girls are suckers for the mixed messages. After the attack on my reputation to which I made the appropriate "oh no not that" type of statement but this was just the beggining she moved on to the "You think you know exactly what will make a girl want you," in my head I'm thinking "I haven't even done anything yet and if I asked you upstairs you'd be on my dick before i could get it out", but out loud I say, "I just say what I want to say", I love my own hypocrisy. This eventually leads down the road to the eventual "you're an asshole" If I had feelings that might have struck a nerve but as such I've come to terms with my assholeishness and at times like, well, that moment I relished that inner asshole. At the point where I was really getting bored with the whole scenario, (her circular brain patterns led her right back to the reputation issue, originality, not really her strong suit) I was saved by Tall who asked me to take his place behind the bar.
I jumped on the problem like a fat camp member jumps on a jelly donut, but soon realized although surrounded by liquor I wasn't getting in enough drinking. As per usual I decided on toasts, Rastko was also assiting in the bar tending process and thus became the toastee?? anyway we toasted here are the classics:
Rastko: "Blow jobs over sex"
Me: "Not menstrating"
Rastko: "Fat chicks leaving"
Me: "aggressive ugly sluts that have been helping homely guys get laid since veitnam"
For the record there was three fat bitches on the stools in front of us that were rather annoying. At this point I go on a cigarette binge (6) and laugh at people waiting in line for chi. Then the rest of the night is spent alternatly avoiding Former Fuck Buddy and Agresso occasionally by pawning them off on each other, ( A more sober matty should have realized that two girls chasing him should be a good thing and may have worked out into something magical, cause well two 5's equal a 10), Spitting half ass game at freshmen chicks (why not they're there), for about ten minutes I wandered with a handle and a beer and considered monarch rum a legitimate product, and finally capped the evening off with a smoke session in the third floor bathroom cause the chill room was locked and my roomie had gone to bed, these are the prices of being a rock star, and when that glorious THC hit the system and screamed out bed time I answered with a vengance and found the empty bed most satisfactory.
(1) Red-black/ high-low/ in between or outside/ suit, give drinks accordingly, then line up the cards in the ceter with in two columns right is give left is take if you have it heed the rule of the column drink numbers grow as the cards are turned.
(2) http://www.brewthis.com/Games/37621.html
(3) official scale of attractiveness:
1 to 3 beers - will tell everyone you slept with her, absolutly no regrets in the morning.
4 to 7 beers - will tell close friends you slept with her and hope she never clicks on relationship mode
8 to 12 beers - will tell no one about any act you had with her, if you get caught with her you deny everything or claim desperation
13 on up - Was that a women?
(4) basically if your card connects in suit or number to the person next to you you drink the number on the card (not the official rules but the rules I implicated for the sake of simplicity.)
(5) My favorite drunk mode in which I am verbally invincible, best for flirting, debating or shit talking
(6) Friday night I got it in my head I needed cigarettes so at some time between 1 and 3 AM I walked my jacketless ass to 7-11 to get cigarettes and since I am a binge smoker I wanted to get them all finished thus reducing future smoking opportunities.
posted by matty at 12:09 AM
4 comments
