Whistler baby, Whistler

So, I haven't posted for a while with good reason, I was dodging the draft. To be on the safe side some of us frat guys decided to invade another country mainly Canada due to it's close proximity and acceptance of drunk Americans money. To completely encompass 48 hours worth of drinking, I've decided to split the weekend into smaller stories under their own heading. This makes it easier for those who accompanied to read only those the weren't involved in or the the ones they want to relive. If stories of drunken assholes aren't your thing I recommend avoiding all my Friday stories but since I most likely am a friend of yours, you probably have dickish tendencies as well, so enjoy matty j's Whistler saga: how did I not Blackout.

Friday

THE OMEN
On the approach to the Canadian border, the members of our car noticed an odd sight in the lane to our right a car was surrounded by several police, unfortunately for the story the were not members of the Mounties, just your regular border security. A man stepped out of the car, he looked about 40 and the had him breath into a breathalyzer. The exact second the breathalyzer registered was the exact moment the man was being forced against the side of his car and into handcuffs. The initial intention of the guards was to get the man in the front seat to drive, but if you know anything about drunk drivers you know that if the driver is drunk the passenger is hammered. Which the passenger proved admirably by stumbling out of the car in an open Hawaiian shirt and pulling off the confused look with such a vengeance that you almost had to feel sorry for the interrogation he was about to go through. This encounter was to prove an example of the whole weekend we'd be near drunken trouble but somehow we'd pass it in the other lane.

THE DEATH OF THE ROOMMATES
Drew and I took our places in the hotel room and settle in at about 8 o'clock expecting the rest of the room to show up right behind us. Its at this point we start drinking, an hour and a drink pass, still no Seth Kyle or Joe. Being the courteous roommates we pour another drink and continue the wait. Worry starts to set in at about 10 we decide to get a hold of them somehow but take into account we were drinking in a foreign country everything went wring, Drew couldn't figure out his cell phone and no one was answering in the car, we become more and more sure they are dead. At 10:30 and drunk we decide if they are not there by 11 they are dead and we should go to bars and inform the next of kin in the morning. Ah the compassion of the drunk. Luckily for them but crowded for us they show up at exactly 10:58 and begin trying to catch up with us. Well this story is not that entertaining is does explain why I decided to piss off whistler...

THE WAKE OF DESTRUCTION
The words of the day for me were definitely "You aren't hot enough to talk to" sometimes varied to "You aren't attractive enough to talk to." Why? Well I blame the captain his pirate morals invaded my system. The first incarnation of this came as I was walking to the bathroom, and this one was harsh, I stopped looked the girl up and down then spit out that she wasn't hot enough, I didn't see the anger fully envelop her but Drew as my drunken but reliable source verifies how pissed she was. Eventually we left that bar and somewhere in my subconscious I decide I got off easy with the last one I mean I almost made a girl cry and went unpunished. This was to be corrected.

To correct an assumption Whistler is not filled with the happy go lucky drunks as it is said to be, and since we as a country have made it our job to piss off the world being American is a sin in itself. I being the capitalist asshole helped the cause. Walking through the streets of whistler an innocuous looking couple were approaching, girl on guys shoulders. This should have been enough to classify as the alpha male aggressive personality but in the state of invincible inebriation I didn't care. The girl on his shoulder decided to be friendly and said "hi" but she hit me at the wrong time I hit her back with a "you're not hot enough to talk to" the next thing I know I am being headlocked by a Canadian and my head is being forced into a counter at a pretty good speed, meanwhile I find this whole situation funny so I escalate the situation by laughing my head off. He starts in with tough guy talk, "What are you thinking?" "You trying to start something?" The biggest comedy of the whole ordeal is his girl looking at him and saying "what are you doing?" this makes me laugh harder, finally he backs down his statements to "apologize" and since head against a counter is not the most comfortable as it sounds I gladly let out a "I'm sorry" and the incident is assuaged.

THE BIG REGRET
Later on in the night we go to our hotel room but I'm still feeling antsy, I decide to recruit trouble makers and head back out to the night. I find Jonesy and Drew both are up to be willing participants, so I head out assuming they are behind me but turns out they were drunk and didn't get the leaving memo. So I wander out alone and run into a bunch of people in our group coming back among this group is Starr's girl, who laments about having lost Starr I consider finding him an ideal waste of time so the two of us head out onto the streets of Whistler. The search wasn't nearly as long as it could have been we find him talking to lesbians who he claims he was asking directions, but I clearly remember hearing something about them making out, oh well whatever keeps him out of trouble with his girly. Anyway Starr's girl immediately starts talking to him so I use the opportunity to talk to the cuter one of the lesbians the other one walks off to talk to some other guys that were sitting near by but before she could reach them asshole gear kicks in again and I piss her off and the bullish dyke whips around and starts chewing me out. The worst part of all this is I have no idea what I said no recollection at all even that 20 seconds later. I have no problem with pissing people off but if I can't remember how I pissed them off that's a personal pet peeve. All the clatter attracts Starr back who keeps saying "what did you say, what did you say?" and since I don't know all I can say is "don't worry about it, let's go" so mid tirade I walk off with Starr and his girl, everything together again.

Saturday
SHORT LIVED PUBBIN'
This story ends with me getting asked to leave a bar. But it was nothing I did it was all guilt by association. We all started out drinking early Saturday but due to a crippling hangover from the previous night I did not rush into it with the usual vigor. But counter to this Kyle was going for broke. We headed out to the Irish pub and Kyle at this point is shitty and keeps telling me "I hope you act like you did last night so I can have an excuse to hit you" which granted I did deserve. After annoying the waitress Kyle and drew disappear I think nothing of it and hang out in the back but eventually curiosity takes over and I head to find them. I find them sitting in fron t of the guitarist and Kyle is running his mouth at him, encouraged by Drew. In less then five minutes the guitarist had told the waitress and I quote "These guys are pissing me off." So with out even opening my mouth I was asked to leave, stupid friends. Here are the highlight quotes:

directed at the violinist
Kyle: "Hey jew fro go solo"


Kyle: "Free bird play Free bird"
Guitarist: "Even if I knew it I wouldn't play it"
Kyle: "Of course, It's more than 3 chords you wouldn't know it"

The post script to this story is Kyle ended up going back into the bar and hung out for a couple hours before getting kicked out again, but the second Drew tried to enter he was kicked out again. So the two uninvolved peoplweren't allowed in but the trouble maker well they'll take more of his money.

WHORISH BRIDES
After getting kicked out of the Irish pub we walked over to the Longhorn Kyle Drew and I, but Kyle was in "that" mode and starts antagonizing the Bouncer straight out, so needless to say he wasn't let in, and since Kyle had already got us kicked out of one bar we decide abandonong him is fair game. So Drew and I are sitting around spliting a pitcher, and at this point Seth has joinned us, and out of nowhere a chick sits down at our table, she is wearing a veil and informs us that she is getting married soon. Then begins to tell us she is going around kissing people tonight. Seth points me out and Says " He needs a kiss" she then promptly turns around and kisses me on the lips. I'm rather in shock at this whole process, I'd never been kissed by an engaged person, but I was flattered. Within the next twenty minutes she'd kissed me again went and danced with drew to free bird and also kissed him, yeah that marriage i going to last.

RANDOM QUOTES

(talking to Random canadian girls on the street)
Kyle: "We're just dumb Americans"
Girl: "Are there any other types?"

(Me on Seth's Rapping style)
matty: "He thinks he's the next biggie but he's just fat"

(When Drew and I form our boy band our hit song will be)
"don't check-raise my heart"

graduation

(WARNING: I just finished reading Siddhartha)

I've been thinking recently, I know surprise surprise, but it has come to my attention that graduation is an arbitrary day to say, "Grow up." They give you this thumbs up and tell you you have proved you know enough, now get the hell out of here and solve it. Does anyone else see the overwhelming idiocy in this, in the quest to aquire others knowledge we disappear in it. True at this school I have learned random facts that I can throw out at cocktail parties to prove my utter intelligence over the normal crowd, but at the same time you could teach a parrot to do that. But the learning I am really proud of is the stupid shit I've done the mistakes or any time I broke outside boudaries, this created a new idea of self with which to define myself. I came to college overly prepared in the quest for knowledge, books overflow from my room at home, but I was unprepared for everything else, and eventually fell over my head. The thirst for knowledge has since chilled in the last few years, because it seems so fleeting, especially at this college where for every one brilliant kid it turns out there are at least twenty morons. For whick I blame the addmission process this school doesn't want their kids to be smart although they will take them to bump up the GPA and SAT score for the Newsweek College guide, but they take kids wth a lot of extra curriculars, assuming they'll get ambitious kids therefore heightening the chance of a UPS grad being successful, therefore making them look all the better. This is not based in fact just purely observation. When it all boils down to the nitty gritty, fuck graduation it means nothing to me I wouldn't even participate if my family wasn't coming. To me "graduation" needs to come from inside me when I am ready for it, when I see a new truth and can be reborn in it.

Eclipse

Trite seems the night light
I thought I was immune
till shadows started their
Capture of the moon

she lingers there
playing with her hair
we are just marionettes
strings shown in silhouettes
drawn together by some script
to this hallowed crypt

no laughter only sensation
every kiss a hesitation
a vivid integration
of our shared frustration

time, non existent
existence, violated
volition, singular
body tingling

lost in this moment
trying too hard to hold it
I'm surpassed
Seen through like glass
The orb takes its grasp
I'm rooted

Crimson Crescent
Grows in my presence
Gazing longingly
Yet we remain passive
The distance too massive

So we each sit and wait for the other

drunken cleverness

A quote from me Friday night at an extremly busty girl:

"With those breasts no wonder boys talk to you"

In dixieland I'll make my stand

Its amazing how the course of a night can be decided by one's partner in crime. On Friday night I spent most of my night with a level headed kid known affectionately as Chuckles. For the encounters to come the rest of the night I'd say that was probably my best choice of companions. The night started out in a typical matty j manner, an 18 pack and beer pong, I ended up playing mostly freshmen, so I ended up at the table for a while. At about the time where no one's agendas included playing anymore beer pong games, Chuckles asked if I wanted to go to a party, with things dieing down and the drunken urge to have something out of the norm happen I wholeheartedly agree with the party idea, so I pack up the rest of my beers like a soilder loads up his ammo box.

The walk was uneventful but long, over 20 blocks, when we get there I realize the startling truth, its a hippie party. Luckily, I run into my old roommate Mikey and we discuss plans of a possible invasion of our old freshmen room ( if it happens expect a good story about that one, possibly including but not limited to: security encouters, spilling drinks on Freshmen, and/or the classic streaking of the quad). After insulting the pretentious and crappy art project on the floor both of us break company. For some reason, mostly my narcisissim and the idea that I am the smartest drunk in the world, I end up in a debate on the front porch over whether culture influences personality or biological issues crate the culture we live in, basically I am rehashing a paper I just finished earlier that day, so she had absolutly no chance. The best part of this debate was we had an audience. Frankly I'd never seen this guy in my life but something about his face made me hate him more than any other individual that could ever be put in front of me. His plans were to hit on the girl I was talking to. There was no jealousy of this the girl wasn't my type, let's just say I have an aversion to girls that are that much bigger than me, cause if it ever came down to it I'd hate it if a girl whooped my ass, I decide to lay into this guy every time he tries to walk up.

"what are you doing"
"shut up, talk again when you have something relevant"
"Why don't you run along, big kids are talking"

I wish I had the presence of mind to yell:
"Donny you are out of your element"

You know I have never considered myself an "intimidating guy" but I'll be damned if that guy didn't go sit in a corner and wait for me to be done before he spoke again, he didn't even go for more beer. If normal matty is cocky this gave me the superman complex, I felt bulletproof. Eventually I get bored of all this talk and want to leave so I search out chuckles and persuade him we should leave. After a few minutes of introducing him to every girl that walked by we head out. On the way back we notice a bunch of people outside of a campus house, being impetuous we decide to check it out, I knew some people on the porch but they eventually turned out boring, so I go in. And in 10 steps I see another old roomate who I absolutly despise ( I had three roomies my freshman year,) so at that moment I decide we are leaving, on the way out I did manage to hit on a girl sitting between two guys on a couch that were vieing for her attention, prickdom can be fun.

The journey continued as up ahead we veiwed four guys running with some sort of object, investigations were in order. Turns out is was a street sign and in all this new found confidence I decide to aggrevate these fuckers. One look at these guys told me they'd never through down, granted they stole a street sign, but they were UPS suburbanite tools to the core, for starters they lived in an on- campus house, I proceed with no fear. First I threaten to call security which I actually did, but they were no help as I figured they would be, but they did give me the TPD number, way to come through security. I am way to drunk to remember the actual number but they don't know that so I start entering numbers ranting that they've stolen government property and they shall burn in hell for eternity, maybe I was jealous they didn't let me help steal the 16th and Washington sign. side note: what a crappy street sign to steal, this enrages me further. The small asain guy sees I am putting numbers into the phone and gets paranoid then runs up and shoves me. At this point I am hammered and this guys shove barely moves me, my delusions of grandeur swell.

"What was that my little Napolean complex friend?"
(he shoves me again, then his friends start to pull him back)
"come on Napolean don't go"
"you french fuck"

I wish either I hadn't been so drunk or had a voice recorder on me to remember the rest of the stuff I said, let's just say my insults were ripping them down so far they had to resort to physical violence. Seeing things were getting out of control, and by things I mean me, Chuckles grabs me and pulls me away as the profanities and insults string out of my mouth. Had chuckles been basically any of my other friends at that moment it would have been a two on four brawl, but lady luck has an unnatural attraction for me and saw me through with the right companion.

Insulting people really worked up an appetite and the only thing open is Metropolitan Market, we venture there. This visit made me realize WA has the stupidest laws ever we walked in at 2:00 AM even and checked out about 2:05 AM but that lame ass checker in there wouldn't sell me more beer, apparently he didn't realize I wanted a sandwhich and beer! If I could conjure up his face I would describe him so everyone would know to hate him but instead I bought my sandwhich than rapidly consumed it at chuckles' house then walked the last leg of my journey home, alone. And all I remember from that walk was that it was really cold then bed felt amazing.

fat thighs to away message stalkers

After annhilating 57% of the relevent brain cells in my head Friday night, the appeal of drinking was lessened for Saturday. And I was offered a free ticket to RDG so I saddle up and go to cheer on my old pal Marty (who killed it, but that's not the story). The real story actually comes from the last RDG, and being at good ol' wilson high school I was reminded of that fateful day. It was one of those days that every binge drinker knows about, the kind of day which screams "what is my drinking limit" and "can I go farther?" The day began early with a champagne brunch this was supposedly a date function and due to laziness and my aversion to sharing alchohol, my date came in a stunning green bottle with the words extra dry printed right across her front. After taking a look at the food and settling on what I thought looked the most appetizing and realizing that too was utter crap, I concentrate on going all the way with my date and after several passionate kisses the bottle was emptied thus I was drunk by noon. This evolved to midafternoon barhopping and finally games of beer pong, it was at about this time I was asked if I wanted to go to RDG, and not one to turn down any adventure when I can hardly stand I accept full heartedly.

I end up traveling with Marty's friends from p-town, who on the previous night I almost got them into a fight with a phi delt who pulled a bat out of his truck to beat us, I mean one ill timed "fuck off" had huge repercussions, but since I am me I was able to successfully talk us out of a fight, after talking us into one. Anyways they had started drinking seven hours after me and thus were a tad more coherrent, they also brought camelbaks filled with liquor, a brilliant idea.

My goal for the night: not look like a pussy
my success rate: slim to none

After drinking more of the liquor outside the school peeing on the library door and altogether acting like drunk asses we enter the theatre, this is where things get sketchy. I feel at that point I could have lost all brain function and slipped into an alchohol induced coma. The first act is a blur I yell and whoop and altogether be a good audience member then intermission comes. All the guys are going to drink more I am feeling a little better so I go with them, me and my good ideas. We come back and things are not looking good I realize I am going down faster than a slut in a whore house, the first dance is painful, but luckily for me a dark room with music is the ideal recipe for a nap. So mid second dance I'm gonzoed, and full on pass out in the theatre of RDG. I have no idea how many dances I missed or what happened but eventually Marty's friend closest to me doesn't see the brillance of taking a mid show breather, shakes me up. I realize I passed out, I fight the urge to pass out again. Then the real problem starts to happen I AM GOING TO PUKE! this is a bad realization to have in the middle of a crowded theatre surrounded by peers and parents. But as an experienced drinker I drunkenly decide to fight it. The first few waves I handle admirably holding back the violent spams that want to ruin the concert. Then it happens about two table spoons of alchoholic vomit grace my mouth with its presence, I panic and swallow it back into my stomach. Up to this point I was unaware that you could accomplish this feat, I honestly believe that the shock of reconsuming my regurgitation, actually stopped me from letting the rest of it go, disaster was averted. Needless to say I do not remember an instant of any of the dances in the second act.

Now this 2005 RDG made me realize a few things:
1) The saddest thing in the world is when a formerly cute girl gets fat, I mean shit how do you dance for a whole god damned semester, hell even a whole year and still pack on the pudding like winter is coming and they need to survive off their fat while hibernating.
2) Fat thighs aren't now, nor will they ever be attractive. And for the love of all that is holy should never be attempted to contained in shorts. Some of the girls there could legally classify as crimes against humanity.
3) The girl in the front right (from an audience perspective mind you) was bangin' and if anyone knows who she is introduce me so I can make her fall in love with the awesomeness that is me.
4) RDG=not as fun sober
5) congradulations girls you've all been objectified
6) That as soon as we left I'd need beer and fast.

After a while of drinking games at 13th I ran out of beer but I had two left at snu so I head there, my timing could not have been better I had missed the whole aphi but I did get to say "the only good thing to come out of the 80s was me" a cliched classic. Overall it was a good thing I didn't go cause I would have hurt some self esteem, by recycling the "not attracted to white trash girls" from last week, and modifying it to "It wasn't hot in the 80s and it isn't hot on you." I'm sure I saved some bolemia cases. There were limited people their but I made the best of it and people watched, the main show was a guy putting on a clinic of how not to hit on a girl for an hour and half. Then out of nowhere I was swirled up into a lecture tornado by a girl who only knows my through away messages and blogs, and thought she could tell me a few things about my life my direction and my general approach to living, and since you'll read this, any time you want to get drunk and talk about me, I love me and will discuss me all night, actually that goes for anyone if its about me I'm interested. Basically Saturday was boring and I'm tired so until we meet again. Laugh at a fat or stupid person tomorrow you'll feel better nothing validates self esteem like the hardships of others.

Awesomest thing ever

As Kyle and I are leaving the gym (ask about tickets to the gun show) we notice a van emptying out. It was formerly filled with Lewis and Clarke tennis players. Putting two and two together we realize that both our roomates are probably playing in a tennis match this afternoon and we should root them on. By root them on of course I mean get drunk and heckle thier opponents. The major problem comes when we only have an hour to get drunk, luckily we are up to the task after aggresivly assaulting our liver we are ready to attend the match. It starts slow with a comment here and there until we realize no one is going to say anything, here are the classics:

me: ohhh, you ran out of water you are definetly going to lose now.

(one of the lewis and clark players lost and stood near us)
me: hey....hey....HEY... did you win or lose?
guy: lost
me: ha! you lost to my roomate!
me: what's your name?
guy: Lewis
Kyle: last name Andclark?

This eventually gets boring so we leave and drink more till I black out and as per rule 3 I can't write about that. There is only one more highlight to the night that I am particularly proud of, at one point before heading to bed I go to take a pissbut halfway through the piss I sense it coming up, I am going to erupt like mt vesuvious. The problem being I am still pissingluckily I wasn't at a urinal or this situation could have been toxic. I decide to let it go and amazingly I hit the toilet with both puke and urine. How awesome is that, no spillage at all. Anyway tonight some A phi function and I'm prepared to get drunk.